Wednesday, August 26, 2015
My Heart Kinda Hurts
(I removed this post from my blog on August 28th of 2015. I'll put it back now.)
I have quite a lot of things to do today, so this will be quick. I just want to get this off my chest so that I can have a lighter heart today.
My heart kinda hurts. I've gotten over the most painful part, I think. I'm feeling at peace. However, that aching still lingers a bit.
A friend that I love has recently pulled away from me. And I've pulled away too. After I saw him start distancing himself, I felt like I had to start packing up and leaving the relationship. I didn't want to get hurt, so I was thinking, "Dude, I gotta save myself here." But I'm a normal girl who thought she loved him. So, I kept coming back and I kept reaching out even when my feelings would get crushed. It sucked.
But I don't know. I still cared about him so much. We had been friends for over a year and had gone through so much together. We clicked the moment we met and we bonded quickly afterward. Last year things started going bad, though. He was going through some difficult things. I wanted to be there for him. Sometimes he let me. But other times it would blow up on me and the brunt of that explosion would land on me.
It hurt. He can't do this to me ever again, I thought. But then he would apologize. And I forgave him every time. I still forgive him for everything. But it kept happening and happening. Sometimes it would be amazing. Sharing thoughts and ideas and and jokes and things. We had marvelous conversations. We complemented each other in some ways. But again and again the things he would do when he was upset or irritated would slice me up.
I felt like there was somehow something wrong with me. Why are his sharper comments and sarcasm and his natural communication habits hurting me so much? This is him. This is how he is, isn't it? Why can't I deal with it? I was giving and giving of myself and my emotions and my efforts and I wasn't getting anything sustainable back.
Yet I wasn't thinking about who I am. I was getting my feelings hurt, and that's okay. I need to be loyal to myself and accept that about myself regardless of how much I don't like it. I'm human. I'm certain not invincible, and I'm only cheating myself and others if I'm pretending to be so. I learned much about myself from him.
It's hard to admit that I need someone who is sensitive of me because I am a sensitive person. I expressed my hurt feelings so many times to him, but he may not have really understood them. It just made things worse.
He has unconsciously helped me learn about my weaknesses and my strengths as well as what I can bring to a relationship. I have learned to love and understand myself more. However, I just wanted to get over this broken-hearted business. I need to let this stuff go.
It feels like someone is yanking at my heart strings and wrenching and wringing my heart in their hands. It doesn't feel good. Maybe some of you know what I'm talking about.
So the "my heart kinda hurts" thing is that I blocked him this week. Some of my closest and dearest friends have told me to do this so many times over the course of this past year. I finally listened. I've never blocked anybody before, so this was huge for me. I'm feeling at peace with it, though.
I need some time to get away from those explosions. I certainly can't heal if I'm still getting cut on a regular basis. It's not about him. I hope he will understand that someday.
Here is the playlist I have created to soothe my soul and kinda get over this stuff and also just FEEL it all. Enjoy.
https://open.spotify.com/user/livens98/playlist/7LY9lPEBmCYl67EmaYtLob
I may end up going back and deleting this silly babble of a post. Who knows. Thanks for reading this craziness. You're wonderful. Have a lovely day. :)
I have quite a lot of things to do today, so this will be quick. I just want to get this off my chest so that I can have a lighter heart today.
My heart kinda hurts. I've gotten over the most painful part, I think. I'm feeling at peace. However, that aching still lingers a bit.
A friend that I love has recently pulled away from me. And I've pulled away too. After I saw him start distancing himself, I felt like I had to start packing up and leaving the relationship. I didn't want to get hurt, so I was thinking, "Dude, I gotta save myself here." But I'm a normal girl who thought she loved him. So, I kept coming back and I kept reaching out even when my feelings would get crushed. It sucked.
But I don't know. I still cared about him so much. We had been friends for over a year and had gone through so much together. We clicked the moment we met and we bonded quickly afterward. Last year things started going bad, though. He was going through some difficult things. I wanted to be there for him. Sometimes he let me. But other times it would blow up on me and the brunt of that explosion would land on me.
It hurt. He can't do this to me ever again, I thought. But then he would apologize. And I forgave him every time. I still forgive him for everything. But it kept happening and happening. Sometimes it would be amazing. Sharing thoughts and ideas and and jokes and things. We had marvelous conversations. We complemented each other in some ways. But again and again the things he would do when he was upset or irritated would slice me up.
I felt like there was somehow something wrong with me. Why are his sharper comments and sarcasm and his natural communication habits hurting me so much? This is him. This is how he is, isn't it? Why can't I deal with it? I was giving and giving of myself and my emotions and my efforts and I wasn't getting anything sustainable back.
Yet I wasn't thinking about who I am. I was getting my feelings hurt, and that's okay. I need to be loyal to myself and accept that about myself regardless of how much I don't like it. I'm human. I'm certain not invincible, and I'm only cheating myself and others if I'm pretending to be so. I learned much about myself from him.
It's hard to admit that I need someone who is sensitive of me because I am a sensitive person. I expressed my hurt feelings so many times to him, but he may not have really understood them. It just made things worse.
He has unconsciously helped me learn about my weaknesses and my strengths as well as what I can bring to a relationship. I have learned to love and understand myself more. However, I just wanted to get over this broken-hearted business. I need to let this stuff go.
It feels like someone is yanking at my heart strings and wrenching and wringing my heart in their hands. It doesn't feel good. Maybe some of you know what I'm talking about.
So the "my heart kinda hurts" thing is that I blocked him this week. Some of my closest and dearest friends have told me to do this so many times over the course of this past year. I finally listened. I've never blocked anybody before, so this was huge for me. I'm feeling at peace with it, though.
I need some time to get away from those explosions. I certainly can't heal if I'm still getting cut on a regular basis. It's not about him. I hope he will understand that someday.
Here is the playlist I have created to soothe my soul and kinda get over this stuff and also just FEEL it all. Enjoy.
https://open.spotify.com/user/livens98/playlist/7LY9lPEBmCYl67EmaYtLob
I may end up going back and deleting this silly babble of a post. Who knows. Thanks for reading this craziness. You're wonderful. Have a lovely day. :)
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
I "Cannot Speak With Full Articulateness"
I read this marvelous speech by Neal A. Maxwell in my personal scripture study this morning. It was given in 1974 at Brigham Young University and is titled But for a Small Moment. Among the things he teaches is a list of eight "traps" that we may fall into as we try to overcome our life's challenges. One of them spoke to me quite powerfully. It reads:
"A sixth trap into which we can fall quite easily, brothers and sisters, is the trap in which we sense that something special is happening in our lives but are not able to sort it out with sufficient precision and clarity that we can articulate it to someone else. That is so often true of the gospel. Its truths are too powerful for us to manage on occasion. Let me give you this simple illustration of how we can know something and yet not be able to communicate it fully without the help of the Spirit. If I were to bring one of you into this hall and if, instead of all of you, it were filled with fifteen thousand mothers and if I were to say to you, “Somewhere in that audience is your mother; find her,” you could do it, and I suspect it wouldn’t take you very many minutes. But if I said to you, “Wait outside. There are fifteen thousand mothers in there and one of them is your mother. Now, you describe her to me with sufficient precision and clarity so that I can go find her,” you couldn’t do it. You would still know what she looked like, but tongue could not transmit what you knew. It is that way often with the gospel. That is why we are so in need of the Spirit–so that knowledge can arc like electricity from point to point, aided and impelled by the Spirit—aid without which we are simply not articulate enough to speak of all the things which we know.
"It would be interesting, for instance, if I were to ask one of you to describe to the satisfaction of all here the color yellow. Yellow, of course, is a primary color, but it would be difficult for you to describe it to us without comparing it with other colors. Yet you have no difficulty recognizing yellow when you see it. We know more than we can tell! Sometimes the things we know take the form of knowledge about what is happening to us in life in which we sense purpose, in which we sense divine design, but which we cannot speak about with full articulateness. There are simply moments of mute comprehension and of mute certitude. We need to pay attention when these moments come to us, because God often gives us the assurances we need but not necessarily the capacity to transmit these assurances to anyone else."
I often feel this way, but I have never before thought that it would be considered a trap that keeps me from defeating my problems. I have expressed in previous blog posts and journal entries as well as in conversations with my close friends and family that I feel like I am on the verge of something different. My life is good and great now, but this "something" is greater. In my mind, it's like I am climbing up a steep forested hill in early morning. Light is all around me, but it is diffused by the trees. It is beautiful and peaceful, but my view of the sun is still partially blocked and I'm still trudging uphill. However, I can sense that there is a cliff up ahead and that there is a magnificent view of a massive valley awaiting me. I don't exactly know what it's going to look like, but I want to get to the top and break through the trees and finally see the sun clearly and see that breathtaking view because in my mind, it's going to be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Yet for some reason I cannot explain at all, I'm just walking and walking. The trees might be gradually thinning, but I don't know why I cannot simply walk faster and get there. It's certainly not far away. My life right now feels so strange. I know God is trying to guide me and perhaps tell me something, and things seem good and wonderful. But there is just something that I am not able to describe. I wonder to myself what is happening exactly? It makes me kinda frustrated that I cannot find an adequate definition or diagnosis of this situation. This was me:
"Bleehh. I don't even knowww. Ahhhh I'm trying to get it but my mouth and brain are not helping me do it. Guys, I can't find it but I want to and I feel like I can because it's RIGHT THERE. Argh. So fun. This post probably doesn't even make the least bit of sense, soooo.... What the heck am I supposed to do about all this? It's awesome but it hurts my head and makes me feel weird."
Well, you and I have learned something today, and this new insight I've received changes my feelings somewhat. "Sometimes the things we know take the form of knowledge about what is happening to us in life in which we sense purpose, in which we sense divine design, but which we cannot speak about with full articulateness." It is natural that "there are simply moments of mute comprehension and of mute certitude." I know there is a purpose to this period of my life, and I can feel the goodness in it. I know it is through the hand of God that each bit of my life is orchestrated. He is mindful of me, and it is okay that I don't know how to talk about it now so long as I remember Him. It is quite a relief to know that someone else knows how you are feeling. I imagine this is the case for many. I am certainly not the only one who goes through something, especially if an apostle of the Lord chose to address an audience of thousands and eventually millions and billions with this guidance. Also, let us never forget our greatest empath and friend. Christ knows our thoughts and struggles on such an acute and personal level because of his Atonement. It really astounds me.
"We need to pay attention when these moments come to us, because God often gives us the assurances we need but not necessarily the capacity to transmit these assurances to anyone else." Whatever form the challenge or test is in, I must be willing to pass it. Somehow I must reach breaking points without breaking. I must be willing to lose my life, not because I have an irreverence of disdain for the struggles that come with it and not even because I love living, but because I am the servant of the one who did just so for me, in the most infinite and selfless way possible. He gave his life for all of us, and with Him we all can have the fullness of joy together. "That is why we are so in need of the Spirit–so that knowledge can arc like electricity from point to point, aided and impelled by the Spirit—aid without which we are simply not articulate enough to speak of all the things which we know." May we commit to this today and every day. I'm gonna keep on walking up that hill. I hope you'll walk with me.
Thanks for reading.
Love,
Liv
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Ethereal Music: Sunday Playlist
My heart feels full of music today. These hymns are especially speaking to me. I hope you feel something as you listen to these marvelous arrangements of some of my favorite songs. Think about the words you hear. Have a beautiful Sunday, my friends.
"While I live will I praise the Lord: I will sing praises unto my God while I have any being." Psalm 146:2
"... Be filled with the Spirit; speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord;" Ephesians 5:18-19
"Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord." Colossians 3:16
"While I live will I praise the Lord: I will sing praises unto my God while I have any being." Psalm 146:2
"... Be filled with the Spirit; speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord;" Ephesians 5:18-19
"Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord." Colossians 3:16
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Be Still and Know
"If the Lord had something to tell you, and I testify that He does, when would he have the time to be able to do it?"
This really struck me when I heard it this past Sunday.
I know God has much to tell me. I talk to my friends and family all the time. I make time every single day for those people who are meaningful for me. But what time do we take in order to have those meaningful conversations with our Heavenly Father? If I knew that an omnipotent, all-knowing and all-powerful being wanted to tell me something, I would be making time available as fast as I possibly could. He gives instruction and guidance through many sources: scriptures and great works of literature, thoughts and impressions, prophets and revelation, friends and family, etc. But what if He needed to give me a more sacred answer. A certain something that could only be found if I was still. I would need to show that I was ready to receive an answer by clearing out time to devote to "remembering Him." I need to have dedicated pondering, meditation, and prayer.
"Be still, and know that I am God:
I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth."
Psalms 46:10
"Therefore, let your hearts be comforted concerning Zion; for all flesh is in mine hands;
Be still and know that I am God."
Doctrine and Covenants 101:16
Making these places and times of peace and pondering amid the flow of distraction in our lives is crucially important to our spiritual well being. Now, I had heard this said many, many times. I love those scriptures as well. The phrase "Be still, and know that I am God" is really quite stirring. But I didn't truly understand the significance of finding this "still" time in my own life until recently.
Where I go to be still does not matter so long as I can feel peace and feel the Spirit of the Lord. Being outdoors has been incredible for this. Going for a simple walk in nature by myself allows me to clear my mind and really refresh myself. I said in a previous post, "Nature blesses and fills out our lives. It teaches you things you cannot learn in a classroom and it provides you with a setting where you can grow closer to God and become a better human being without distraction. I feel like time spent in the outdoors acts like an armor of sorts for me, something to motivate me and keep my spirit fresh when I'm faced with my everyday chaos." Going to the temple gives me this peace. When I'm inside the House of the Lord I am able to keep my thoughts free of stress and worry. I can really get in tune with myself and with the Lord. It's a really beautiful thing. If I cannot leave my home, however, I go to my room. So long as I keep it organized and clean, I can feel the Spirit strongly there.
Throughout time, prophets and disciples of Christ have implemented these things in their lives, and we have the records to show us.
"... As I sat pondering in mine heart I was caught away in the Spirit of the Lord..." (1 Nephi 11:1)
"... Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart." (Luke 2:19)
"And while we meditated upon these things, the Lord touched the eyes of our understandings and they were opened..." (Doctrine and Covenants 76:19)
"And it came to pass, that, while they communed together and reasoned, Jesus himself drew near, and went with them." (Luke 24:15)
"And Jesus went up into a mountain, and there he sat with his disciples." (John 6:3)
"Therefore, go ye into your homes, and ponder upon the things which I have said, and ask of the Father, in my name, that ye understand, and prepare your minds for the morrow..." (3 Nephi 17:3)
"... Nephi went his way towards his own house, pondering upon the things which the Lord had shown him." (Helaman 10:2)
"... I sat in my room pondering over the scriptures..." (Doctrine and Covenants 138:1)
"And on the sabbath we went out of the city by a river side, where prayer was wont to be made; and we sat down..." (Acts 16:13)
I imagine the Savior himself going out of the cities and going "up into a mountain" or "by a river side" as he communicated and communed with his Heavenly Father every day and night. I am going to set aside more of my own dedicated time to "be still and know" of my God and my Savior's love for me and of the things he wishes to tell me. I know that as I do this, I will become closer to Him.
I know God has much to tell me. I talk to my friends and family all the time. I make time every single day for those people who are meaningful for me. But what time do we take in order to have those meaningful conversations with our Heavenly Father? If I knew that an omnipotent, all-knowing and all-powerful being wanted to tell me something, I would be making time available as fast as I possibly could. He gives instruction and guidance through many sources: scriptures and great works of literature, thoughts and impressions, prophets and revelation, friends and family, etc. But what if He needed to give me a more sacred answer. A certain something that could only be found if I was still. I would need to show that I was ready to receive an answer by clearing out time to devote to "remembering Him." I need to have dedicated pondering, meditation, and prayer.
"Be still, and know that I am God:
I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth."
Psalms 46:10
"Therefore, let your hearts be comforted concerning Zion; for all flesh is in mine hands;
Be still and know that I am God."
Doctrine and Covenants 101:16
Making these places and times of peace and pondering amid the flow of distraction in our lives is crucially important to our spiritual well being. Now, I had heard this said many, many times. I love those scriptures as well. The phrase "Be still, and know that I am God" is really quite stirring. But I didn't truly understand the significance of finding this "still" time in my own life until recently.
Where I go to be still does not matter so long as I can feel peace and feel the Spirit of the Lord. Being outdoors has been incredible for this. Going for a simple walk in nature by myself allows me to clear my mind and really refresh myself. I said in a previous post, "Nature blesses and fills out our lives. It teaches you things you cannot learn in a classroom and it provides you with a setting where you can grow closer to God and become a better human being without distraction. I feel like time spent in the outdoors acts like an armor of sorts for me, something to motivate me and keep my spirit fresh when I'm faced with my everyday chaos." Going to the temple gives me this peace. When I'm inside the House of the Lord I am able to keep my thoughts free of stress and worry. I can really get in tune with myself and with the Lord. It's a really beautiful thing. If I cannot leave my home, however, I go to my room. So long as I keep it organized and clean, I can feel the Spirit strongly there.
Throughout time, prophets and disciples of Christ have implemented these things in their lives, and we have the records to show us.
"... As I sat pondering in mine heart I was caught away in the Spirit of the Lord..." (1 Nephi 11:1)
"... Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart." (Luke 2:19)
"And while we meditated upon these things, the Lord touched the eyes of our understandings and they were opened..." (Doctrine and Covenants 76:19)
"And it came to pass, that, while they communed together and reasoned, Jesus himself drew near, and went with them." (Luke 24:15)
"And Jesus went up into a mountain, and there he sat with his disciples." (John 6:3)
"Therefore, go ye into your homes, and ponder upon the things which I have said, and ask of the Father, in my name, that ye understand, and prepare your minds for the morrow..." (3 Nephi 17:3)
"... Nephi went his way towards his own house, pondering upon the things which the Lord had shown him." (Helaman 10:2)
"... I sat in my room pondering over the scriptures..." (Doctrine and Covenants 138:1)
"And on the sabbath we went out of the city by a river side, where prayer was wont to be made; and we sat down..." (Acts 16:13)
I imagine the Savior himself going out of the cities and going "up into a mountain" or "by a river side" as he communicated and communed with his Heavenly Father every day and night. I am going to set aside more of my own dedicated time to "be still and know" of my God and my Savior's love for me and of the things he wishes to tell me. I know that as I do this, I will become closer to Him.
Monday, August 17, 2015
A Life Rambling at the Start of the Semester
This post is going to be a ramble. I'm experimenting here to see if I can get all my thoughts out somehow, so I'm neither going to delete anything nor go back and reword anything. Just for fun.
Anyways. Life. Life is proving to be a crazy adventure. It has always been pretty busy and full and fast-moving, but right now it is different and I am trying to pinpoint what it is exactly. The more I know, the more I realize I don't know. The more I see, the more I want to see. The more people I forge connections with, the more I want to make better and deeper relationships with greater individuals, ones who "feed" me in the friendship.
I have traveled many places and have had the privilege of having some pretty world-rocking experiences this summer, and it has changed my outlook on my life. I see so much more clearly, which is good. But I now see what isn't good. Here are some of the things I see.
My friends. I always talk about "my friends" and how wonderful they are. They are wonderful. But when I began going through some tough and trying things this year, I kinda found that my bucket of "my friends" was not as full as I thought. I have many, many acquaintances. I love human connection. I love people so much. When I meet new individuals, my heart just gushes with a warm excitement and love. I try to share that with the people I know, and it attracts good people. However, these are only split-second friendships. Perhaps we've helped each other in the moment and perhaps I've been able to touch them in a way, but I usually haven't been affected as deeply. I feel like I am doing all the feeding in some of my relationships. Both sides aren't working, and after a while, after all my emotional efforts are exhausted, I end up starving and hungering for friends who can "feed" me too. Before this change in perspective, I thought that this was normal. I thought it was just me. I thought that more was to be expected of me for some reason, and that I needed to give a ton just to receive a little. But man. I certainly should not have to starve for lack of love and acceptance in my little friendships. There HAD to be people out there like me. People who long for deep connections that inspire, strengthen, motivate, and enlighten BOTH parties.
I have a few friends like this. They are amazing and they know who they are. However, because I still had those "starving" friendships, I was wasting my time and energy. I began to really feel the effects of this. It was affecting these wonderful friendships I wanted to develop further with these absolute gems of people, and I wouldn't have been surprised if they no longer wanted to be good friends with me. I was a flaky contact, I wouldn't end up being "free" when I said I would be able to call, I would read and not reply to messages just because I was juggling so many other people's messages, and I was just drowning in all this pathetic drama of trying to satisfy my weaker relationships while vainly trying to maintain the better ones. But hey, you can guess what happened. The friends I wanted to be friends with, the friends who built me up and inspired and pushed me, were not getting what they deserved from me. The others were not happy friendships either. And I was so freaking done with this.
So. One of the hardest things for me is cutting people off. I dislike having to say "no" when I am asked a favor. I hate coming to a realization that a person is not good for me and that a "friendship" is actually bringing me down. I love love love people. Ahhhh. However, I've gotten the impression over the course of multiple temple trips and stellar Sunday School lessons and scripture study sessions that I need to choose my relationships and my friends more carefully. In order to set myself up for happiness and success in my life, I need to equip myself with people whom I love dearly who will also add to this overall goodness. You're probably thinking, "No duh. This is obviously the right thing! Why didn't you act upon this before you began to have problems??? Come on. What is this absurdity." That's what I was thinking. And I would be a fool not to act on an impression like this. This was a strong one.
My heart hurts because inside I've let some people go. I'm lightening up on my connections with them. It is hard to see them being angry and concerned and upset that I'm not answering as much or that I'm trying to be with other people. I don't like this at all, but I like what I'm working towards. Now, I have this problem that may be entirely unreasonable. I've met and found a handful of wonderful, incredible individuals that I want to become friends with. To me they have the potential to be "feeding" friendships and I am so excited. I am so excited to see these connections just waiting to be forged and I'm so ready to share my light and my ideas and myself with these people. And yet, here I am not doing anything about it. I am all of a sudden afraid of not being accepted by these people and of being "too late."
Let me tell you, it all sounds absolutely ridiculous now that I'm typing it out in words. Half my brain seems to be perfectly sensible and calm about this whole issue. It is hopeful and excited and ready to put my plans into actions and reach out to these people and become my best self. Boo yah. However, the other half is having some anxiety. Psssh. Why. Why must I have this bit of anxiety?? Am I afraid that I won't find the people I'm looking for? Am I afraid they won't like me? If I am, that's completely bogus, for if those people don't respond to my outreach attempts, I suppose they are not the friends I am looking for. So I'm good. Also, pure love casteth out all fear. If that is true, there should be no room for fear if a relationship is sound. Sure it takes work and communication and service and some comfort-zone-shredding, but it's all worth it to keep that fire burning. (Sidenote: I love love.) Why should I fear. It will prevent me from having faith, which I need a good supply of in order to act upon this impression and move forward.
So, I want to live a life of meaning. I want to live an abundant life. I want to change the world from where I'm standing and growing and living and I know I can. However, I now see that my habits must be changed in order to move myself in a direction of excellence. I've been researching and learning and speaking with different people in order to see how I can best go about my days and how I can live my everyday life to its fullest.
Among these things I have learned and am going to be putting into action are regular exercise, constant hydration, full night's sleep, early rising, planned media usage, strong and focused scripture study, journaling, outdoor adventuring, and dedicated study/practice. I try to drink water, but I always forget. I have exercised regularly on and off, doing really well sometimes while doing nothing at all other times. I form lousy justifications in my mind and replace my exercise time with other things (like studying for school, most always.) I love sleeping, but my normal bedtime is now midnight or later and I have to wake up at 6 every morning for classes. I have no natural energy whatsoever and it takes me a few hours before my brain is sharp. How great is that!? (It's not great at all. Yeah.) When I don't have class, my body will naturally sleep in until 10 or 11 due to sleep deprivation and teenagerliness combined. (What if those are actually the same thing?!?! Based upon what I read about the consequences and effects of sleep deprivation and based upon the general complaints we teenagers get about our conduct as a whole age group, it basically is.) On the subject of media, I can to create a system where I can check emails and reply to them and review social media without it constantly interrupting my brain's productivity. I think I can do it. I read my scriptures daily, but there is so much more I could be learning if I devoted just a little more time to it. I am looking forward to that, for the scriptures bless my life in more ways than I can number. Journaling seems to be a habit of successful people. As I have started recording my thoughts and experiences, I have been able to have the most amazing insights and have learned so much about myself. I've been such a patchy journal writer in the past, and I am ready to do better. The outdoors. I need more of it in my online-schooled life. I've created a marvelous plan (if I may say so myself) to get myself out there. Nature blesses and fills out our lives. It teaches you things you cannot learn in a classroom and it provides you with a setting where you can grow closer to God and become a better human being without distraction. I feel like time spent in the outdoors acts like an armor of sorts for me, something to motivate me and keep my spirit fresh when I'm faced with my everyday chaos. I want to live a more intentional and dedicated life. I want to give my 100% in every moment I am in.
Lastly, I have seen what an incredible asset my family is to me and what an important addition I am to my family. These guys have been picked out just for me in order to provide me with life, love, strength, and correction. The way I am with my family now is how I will be with my future family. Being a wife and mother is perhaps the most important part of my mission here on this earth. I feel like I've been selling my past, present, and future family short. I now feel a larger sense of responsibility for the well being of my parents and siblings, and it is so important to me that they feel of my love and appreciation for them. I am trying to show them every single day. It is on my mind so often now. This is different, but I can feel "the smile of God's approval" and it motivates me to keep going according to my commitments even when it gets tough.
I feel like I'm on the verge of something great. I feel like I'm going to start changing my life. I love having this feeling. But what feels better is the knowledge that you're acting according to the will of the Lord and the commitments and goals you've set. This is what I'm setting out to do this semester and I am so excited. Ahhh. Writing this was good for me. Ah, life. I love it so much. Thanks for reading.
Anyways. Life. Life is proving to be a crazy adventure. It has always been pretty busy and full and fast-moving, but right now it is different and I am trying to pinpoint what it is exactly. The more I know, the more I realize I don't know. The more I see, the more I want to see. The more people I forge connections with, the more I want to make better and deeper relationships with greater individuals, ones who "feed" me in the friendship.
I have traveled many places and have had the privilege of having some pretty world-rocking experiences this summer, and it has changed my outlook on my life. I see so much more clearly, which is good. But I now see what isn't good. Here are some of the things I see.
My friends. I always talk about "my friends" and how wonderful they are. They are wonderful. But when I began going through some tough and trying things this year, I kinda found that my bucket of "my friends" was not as full as I thought. I have many, many acquaintances. I love human connection. I love people so much. When I meet new individuals, my heart just gushes with a warm excitement and love. I try to share that with the people I know, and it attracts good people. However, these are only split-second friendships. Perhaps we've helped each other in the moment and perhaps I've been able to touch them in a way, but I usually haven't been affected as deeply. I feel like I am doing all the feeding in some of my relationships. Both sides aren't working, and after a while, after all my emotional efforts are exhausted, I end up starving and hungering for friends who can "feed" me too. Before this change in perspective, I thought that this was normal. I thought it was just me. I thought that more was to be expected of me for some reason, and that I needed to give a ton just to receive a little. But man. I certainly should not have to starve for lack of love and acceptance in my little friendships. There HAD to be people out there like me. People who long for deep connections that inspire, strengthen, motivate, and enlighten BOTH parties.
I have a few friends like this. They are amazing and they know who they are. However, because I still had those "starving" friendships, I was wasting my time and energy. I began to really feel the effects of this. It was affecting these wonderful friendships I wanted to develop further with these absolute gems of people, and I wouldn't have been surprised if they no longer wanted to be good friends with me. I was a flaky contact, I wouldn't end up being "free" when I said I would be able to call, I would read and not reply to messages just because I was juggling so many other people's messages, and I was just drowning in all this pathetic drama of trying to satisfy my weaker relationships while vainly trying to maintain the better ones. But hey, you can guess what happened. The friends I wanted to be friends with, the friends who built me up and inspired and pushed me, were not getting what they deserved from me. The others were not happy friendships either. And I was so freaking done with this.
So. One of the hardest things for me is cutting people off. I dislike having to say "no" when I am asked a favor. I hate coming to a realization that a person is not good for me and that a "friendship" is actually bringing me down. I love love love people. Ahhhh. However, I've gotten the impression over the course of multiple temple trips and stellar Sunday School lessons and scripture study sessions that I need to choose my relationships and my friends more carefully. In order to set myself up for happiness and success in my life, I need to equip myself with people whom I love dearly who will also add to this overall goodness. You're probably thinking, "No duh. This is obviously the right thing! Why didn't you act upon this before you began to have problems??? Come on. What is this absurdity." That's what I was thinking. And I would be a fool not to act on an impression like this. This was a strong one.
My heart hurts because inside I've let some people go. I'm lightening up on my connections with them. It is hard to see them being angry and concerned and upset that I'm not answering as much or that I'm trying to be with other people. I don't like this at all, but I like what I'm working towards. Now, I have this problem that may be entirely unreasonable. I've met and found a handful of wonderful, incredible individuals that I want to become friends with. To me they have the potential to be "feeding" friendships and I am so excited. I am so excited to see these connections just waiting to be forged and I'm so ready to share my light and my ideas and myself with these people. And yet, here I am not doing anything about it. I am all of a sudden afraid of not being accepted by these people and of being "too late."
Let me tell you, it all sounds absolutely ridiculous now that I'm typing it out in words. Half my brain seems to be perfectly sensible and calm about this whole issue. It is hopeful and excited and ready to put my plans into actions and reach out to these people and become my best self. Boo yah. However, the other half is having some anxiety. Psssh. Why. Why must I have this bit of anxiety?? Am I afraid that I won't find the people I'm looking for? Am I afraid they won't like me? If I am, that's completely bogus, for if those people don't respond to my outreach attempts, I suppose they are not the friends I am looking for. So I'm good. Also, pure love casteth out all fear. If that is true, there should be no room for fear if a relationship is sound. Sure it takes work and communication and service and some comfort-zone-shredding, but it's all worth it to keep that fire burning. (Sidenote: I love love.) Why should I fear. It will prevent me from having faith, which I need a good supply of in order to act upon this impression and move forward.
So, I want to live a life of meaning. I want to live an abundant life. I want to change the world from where I'm standing and growing and living and I know I can. However, I now see that my habits must be changed in order to move myself in a direction of excellence. I've been researching and learning and speaking with different people in order to see how I can best go about my days and how I can live my everyday life to its fullest.
Among these things I have learned and am going to be putting into action are regular exercise, constant hydration, full night's sleep, early rising, planned media usage, strong and focused scripture study, journaling, outdoor adventuring, and dedicated study/practice. I try to drink water, but I always forget. I have exercised regularly on and off, doing really well sometimes while doing nothing at all other times. I form lousy justifications in my mind and replace my exercise time with other things (like studying for school, most always.) I love sleeping, but my normal bedtime is now midnight or later and I have to wake up at 6 every morning for classes. I have no natural energy whatsoever and it takes me a few hours before my brain is sharp. How great is that!? (It's not great at all. Yeah.) When I don't have class, my body will naturally sleep in until 10 or 11 due to sleep deprivation and teenagerliness combined. (What if those are actually the same thing?!?! Based upon what I read about the consequences and effects of sleep deprivation and based upon the general complaints we teenagers get about our conduct as a whole age group, it basically is.) On the subject of media, I can to create a system where I can check emails and reply to them and review social media without it constantly interrupting my brain's productivity. I think I can do it. I read my scriptures daily, but there is so much more I could be learning if I devoted just a little more time to it. I am looking forward to that, for the scriptures bless my life in more ways than I can number. Journaling seems to be a habit of successful people. As I have started recording my thoughts and experiences, I have been able to have the most amazing insights and have learned so much about myself. I've been such a patchy journal writer in the past, and I am ready to do better. The outdoors. I need more of it in my online-schooled life. I've created a marvelous plan (if I may say so myself) to get myself out there. Nature blesses and fills out our lives. It teaches you things you cannot learn in a classroom and it provides you with a setting where you can grow closer to God and become a better human being without distraction. I feel like time spent in the outdoors acts like an armor of sorts for me, something to motivate me and keep my spirit fresh when I'm faced with my everyday chaos. I want to live a more intentional and dedicated life. I want to give my 100% in every moment I am in.
Lastly, I have seen what an incredible asset my family is to me and what an important addition I am to my family. These guys have been picked out just for me in order to provide me with life, love, strength, and correction. The way I am with my family now is how I will be with my future family. Being a wife and mother is perhaps the most important part of my mission here on this earth. I feel like I've been selling my past, present, and future family short. I now feel a larger sense of responsibility for the well being of my parents and siblings, and it is so important to me that they feel of my love and appreciation for them. I am trying to show them every single day. It is on my mind so often now. This is different, but I can feel "the smile of God's approval" and it motivates me to keep going according to my commitments even when it gets tough.
I feel like I'm on the verge of something great. I feel like I'm going to start changing my life. I love having this feeling. But what feels better is the knowledge that you're acting according to the will of the Lord and the commitments and goals you've set. This is what I'm setting out to do this semester and I am so excited. Ahhh. Writing this was good for me. Ah, life. I love it so much. Thanks for reading.