Today was the fifth time I have taken the 16 Personalities Test.
Every. Single. Time. Without. Fail. I have gotten ENFJ.
My percentages for each trait have only varied slightly each time. I have waited months in between tests to make sure my mind is fresh when I retest, just to see if something may be different this time. Nevertheless, I get the same result.
I am not sure why I was a bit frustrated with this. Because my results are incredibly accurate, I realized much about myself that I had not known before. In these moments of realization, I sometimes wish I could be something different. A more tender, thoughtful, prospecting person. Less rebellious, less prideful, less judging. I know I can be more like this. I do try. I often am.
But I've been thinking lately that I need to play my own strengths. As I read through the personality description today, I couldn't help but feel a swell of confidence and joy. I have so much to give to the world. I could have told you that without having to read my personality analysis. ;) Rather than trying to change what I have and how I am, I need to start showing the world around me my best self. Giving more. Becoming who I am.
Here is a bit about me, a solid ENFJ.
Mind: Extraverted
Energy: Intuitive
Nature: Feeling
Tactics: Judging
Identity: Turbulent
Everything I do right now affects everyone? I can understand that could be true for anyone... But wow. This certainly packs on the pressure if there is truth in it. Every good deed I do. Every word I type or speak. Every mistake I make. My very posture. My demeanor. My glance. My speech. It affects everyone. Think of the good somebody could do with a gift like this! You could be such a tremendous influence for good on your fellows. Also, think of the sadness I could spread. Think of the negative influence I could have. I have seen myself act on both sides of the spectrum in my life. If my "every act can open hearts and minds," I must not take it for granted.
This paragraph is frighteningly true. Just now I realized something. Literally, just as I screenshot that paragraph to embed in my post, I realized the truth about a relationship with my friend. An "emotional hypochondria" I had naturally created. Here it is. It makes me feel so vulnerable that I feel sick, but I'm going to share it.
Yesterday, I think I may have lost a friend. We met at a leadership conference and immediately connected. We shared loves for the same subjects, we were passionate about the same ideas, and we each felt inspired and impressed by the dreams, skills, and goals of the other. After the conference ended, we got to know each other better despite the fact that we live hundreds of miles apart. We became emotionally close very quickly. Later, I realize that it was too fast, too soon. He shared his greatest struggles and biggest dreams and deepest fears. I shared mine. We laughed and argued and cried and joked and debated. I felt like all the pieces fit. My mom called it simple "twitterpation," but I feel like it was more/worse than just a bit of giddiness. I felt so involved in his emotional well-being that it became connected with my own. I trusted him deeply, more than I trusted other friends.
Over time, he started changing and I saw the signs. I should have pulled back, yet I kept trying to reach him even when he began treating me that way. He was blunt and insensitive, but I was convinced that I had accidentally been the same way; thus, I kept trying in vain, giving every ounce of kindness and patience I could muster. Perhaps I had offended him, yet to this day I am unaware of anything I have done. I cared for this guy and I wanted to help him be happy, but it taxed me greatly.
So when he completely snapped one night, it shattered me. He really did hurt me more than he probably realized. Nothing could be the same after that, and he later said he knew that and was deeply sorry. He said he still cared about me and wanted to be friends. He wanted to try and fix it, but I didn't. I was done. I was also feeling relieved after I got over the hurt feelings. The relationship between us was not symbiotic, for it hurt me while it may have benefitted him. Honestly, I don't know what he got. I hope I helped him just a little. I thought I might have. I tried to help him, to be his friend. He was going through some very difficult trials, but weeks and weeks would go by and I would call and send messages full of questions and thoughts and friendly things and all I would get were a few one-word answers. He refused to call because, for some reason, he doesn't like talking on the phone. He said he didn't have time to talk to me because of his busy schedule. I completely understand what it is like to be busy. I often feel that I barely have time to breathe. Soon he said that I wasn't worth making time. When he did have time, he was never kind. He was sharp and short and quick to take offense and take out his anger. I was constantly worried I was doing something wrong and I wanted to help. I wanted to see if we could be friends again. Those vain efforts held me back. He limited me. After a long while, I realized it. Man, I wish I had gotten out of there sooner.
Yesterday, I asked him straight up if he still liked me. He said he didn't know, so I was thinking, "Thank goodness. The feeling is mutual, and we can talk through this and just be friends in the end." But I was wrong. Essentially, he said that if I wasn't going to be his girl exclusively, he didn't want to be friends at all. If I didn't want to be that, it must mean that I liked someone else or that I didn't care about him or that I was "done." He claimed that he was done because I was done. I was done because he was done. I think I was more done. I was done being treated like that. I was done being taxed. I was done with getting stabbed every other week. I basically told him that it's not fun to be stabbed. Or ignored. Or told to go away. Or told you're unintelligent or not worth time or effort or kindness. I told him that's what I've been getting from him. He didn't know what to say other than, "Well I guess you're done." We haven't spoken since, and that's okay with me.
I spoke with a few of my dearest friends today. They listened well and were completely and bluntly honest with me. I had made a mistake and I needed to be careful. I had been too proud to admit I had fallen into a trap. I became too involved, and I acted on my feelings rather than my logic. I learned much from it, and I definitely will not be making this mistake again.
Wow. There's that story. We made it.
This is ridiculously true. How on earth do they know this??!? I feel like my brain has been dissected... I most definitely have a genuine love for people. I love talking with others and getting to know them and hearing their thoughts. It truly does fascinate me. It is also true that "it is with these closest friends that ENFJs will truly open up." Aside from these few deep friendships, my other "connections" are still wonderfully authentic yet not as incredibly close. Yet regardless of the level, when I gain a friend I would never want to lose them. My relationships with my friends and family members mean a lot to me.
I think this may be a bit of a weakness for me, for I would much rather make the rules rather than have to deal with the implementation of a poorly structured system. For example, in school settings I am more inclined towards working on a project by myself rather than having to work in a group underneath the influence of someone else, especially a peer. I would much rather achieve excellence within the safety of my own ability. I am perfectly capable of handling such a group situation, however, but I don't prefer it. I know, that may seem a bit weird and perhaps sounds slightly selfish, but it is more of a matter of safety, standard, and reliability for me. I know I can successfully lead a group with love and logic. It feels safer to act at the head of the group, have some influence near the top, or at least have a complete understanding and trust in the other leader's plans. It is true, I do not often seek out those leadership roles, but I do enjoy them most often. There is a certain thrill in realizing that you have the power to inspire and influence others when they have selected you to represent or lead them.
It is true. "The one thing that galls ENFJs the most is the idea of letting down a person or cause they believe in." When I am unable to be reliable or uphold something so important to me, I feel incomplete. At the same time, I feel the need to look out for my own endeavors. It must be a cause that I believe in, rather than one I am compelled to support. I feel like I must keep trying to accomplish my work or support a person or fight for a cause. I love knowing that I am working toward something bigger, something greater. I have seen what happens in relationships where I give much and don't get anything in return, as I shared in that experience.
I am really feeling the urge to go delete that story... But nah, I already told it. I had better keep it now before I refuse to tell it ever again, for someone may need to learn from that story someday. I may need to look back and remind myself what I had felt.
This is how I hope to teach religion and morality as a parent. The gospel can only be taught by you if you are practicing what you preach. I hope to be that archetype of faith for my own children.
Here is one last tidbit from the personality introduction. I only hope I live up to this description in some way.
My dear friend, take the 16 Personalities test if you like. I highly recommend it, as you have probably concluded. Your results could surprise you and open your eyes to strengths and characteristics you may not have seen in yourself before. It rocks. You rock. Thanks for taking the time to read this little post. :)
Sincerely,
Olivia Jensen, ENFJ