I read this marvelous speech by Neal A. Maxwell in my personal scripture study this morning. It was given in 1974 at Brigham Young University and is titled But for a Small Moment. Among the things he teaches is a list of eight "traps" that we may fall into as we try to overcome our life's challenges. One of them spoke to me quite powerfully. It reads:
"A sixth trap into which we can fall quite easily, brothers and sisters, is the trap in which we sense that something special is happening in our lives but are not able to sort it out with sufficient precision and clarity that we can articulate it to someone else. That is so often true of the gospel. Its truths are too powerful for us to manage on occasion. Let me give you this simple illustration of how we can know something and yet not be able to communicate it fully without the help of the Spirit. If I were to bring one of you into this hall and if, instead of all of you, it were filled with fifteen thousand mothers and if I were to say to you, “Somewhere in that audience is your mother; find her,” you could do it, and I suspect it wouldn’t take you very many minutes. But if I said to you, “Wait outside. There are fifteen thousand mothers in there and one of them is your mother. Now, you describe her to me with sufficient precision and clarity so that I can go find her,” you couldn’t do it. You would still know what she looked like, but tongue could not transmit what you knew. It is that way often with the gospel. That is why we are so in need of the Spirit–so that knowledge can arc like electricity from point to point, aided and impelled by the Spirit—aid without which we are simply not articulate enough to speak of all the things which we know.
"It would be interesting, for instance, if I were to ask one of you to describe to the satisfaction of all here the color yellow. Yellow, of course, is a primary color, but it would be difficult for you to describe it to us without comparing it with other colors. Yet you have no difficulty recognizing yellow when you see it. We know more than we can tell! Sometimes the things we know take the form of knowledge about what is happening to us in life in which we sense purpose, in which we sense divine design, but which we cannot speak about with full articulateness. There are simply moments of mute comprehension and of mute certitude. We need to pay attention when these moments come to us, because God often gives us the assurances we need but not necessarily the capacity to transmit these assurances to anyone else."
I often feel this way, but I have never before thought that it would be considered a trap that keeps me from defeating my problems. I have expressed in previous blog posts and journal entries as well as in conversations with my close friends and family that I feel like I am on the verge of something different. My life is good and great now, but this "something" is greater. In my mind, it's like I am climbing up a steep forested hill in early morning. Light is all around me, but it is diffused by the trees. It is beautiful and peaceful, but my view of the sun is still partially blocked and I'm still trudging uphill. However, I can sense that there is a cliff up ahead and that there is a magnificent view of a massive valley awaiting me. I don't exactly know what it's going to look like, but I want to get to the top and break through the trees and finally see the sun clearly and see that breathtaking view because in my mind, it's going to be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Yet for some reason I cannot explain at all, I'm just walking and walking. The trees might be gradually thinning, but I don't know why I cannot simply walk faster and get there. It's certainly not far away. My life right now feels so strange. I know God is trying to guide me and perhaps tell me something, and things seem good and wonderful. But there is just something that I am not able to describe. I wonder to myself what is happening exactly? It makes me kinda frustrated that I cannot find an adequate definition or diagnosis of this situation. This was me:
"Bleehh. I don't even knowww. Ahhhh I'm trying to get it but my mouth and brain are not helping me do it. Guys, I can't find it but I want to and I feel like I can because it's RIGHT THERE. Argh. So fun. This post probably doesn't even make the least bit of sense, soooo.... What the heck am I supposed to do about all this? It's awesome but it hurts my head and makes me feel weird."
Well, you and I have learned something today, and this new insight I've received changes my feelings somewhat. "Sometimes the things we know take the form of knowledge about what is happening to us in life in which we sense purpose, in which we sense divine design, but which we cannot speak about with full articulateness." It is natural that "there are simply moments of mute comprehension and of mute certitude." I know there is a purpose to this period of my life, and I can feel the goodness in it. I know it is through the hand of God that each bit of my life is orchestrated. He is mindful of me, and it is okay that I don't know how to talk about it now so long as I remember Him. It is quite a relief to know that someone else knows how you are feeling. I imagine this is the case for many. I am certainly not the only one who goes through something, especially if an apostle of the Lord chose to address an audience of thousands and eventually millions and billions with this guidance. Also, let us never forget our greatest empath and friend. Christ knows our thoughts and struggles on such an acute and personal level because of his Atonement. It really astounds me.
"We need to pay attention when these moments come to us, because God often gives us the assurances we need but not necessarily the capacity to transmit these assurances to anyone else." Whatever form the challenge or test is in, I must be willing to pass it. Somehow I must reach breaking points without breaking. I must be willing to lose my life, not because I have an irreverence of disdain for the struggles that come with it and not even because I love living, but because I am the servant of the one who did just so for me, in the most infinite and selfless way possible. He gave his life for all of us, and with Him we all can have the fullness of joy together. "That is why we are so in need of the Spirit–so that knowledge can arc like electricity from point to point, aided and impelled by the Spirit—aid without which we are simply not articulate enough to speak of all the things which we know." May we commit to this today and every day. I'm gonna keep on walking up that hill. I hope you'll walk with me.
Thanks for reading.
Love,
Liv