This post is going to be a ramble. I'm experimenting here to see if I can get all my thoughts out somehow, so I'm neither going to delete anything nor go back and reword anything. Just for fun.
Anyways. Life. Life is proving to be a crazy adventure. It has always been pretty busy and full and fast-moving, but right now it is different and I am trying to pinpoint what it is exactly. The more I know, the more I realize I don't know. The more I see, the more I want to see. The more people I forge connections with, the more I want to make better and deeper relationships with greater individuals, ones who "feed" me in the friendship.
I have traveled many places and have had the privilege of having some pretty world-rocking experiences this summer, and it has changed my outlook on my life. I see so much more clearly, which is good. But I now see what isn't good. Here are some of the things I see.
My friends. I always talk about "my friends" and how wonderful they are. They are wonderful. But when I began going through some tough and trying things this year, I kinda found that my bucket of "my friends" was not as full as I thought. I have many, many acquaintances. I love human connection. I love people so much. When I meet new individuals, my heart just gushes with a warm excitement and love. I try to share that with the people I know, and it attracts good people. However, these are only split-second friendships. Perhaps we've helped each other in the moment and perhaps I've been able to touch them in a way, but I usually haven't been affected as deeply. I feel like I am doing all the feeding in some of my relationships. Both sides aren't working, and after a while, after all my emotional efforts are exhausted, I end up starving and hungering for friends who can "feed" me too. Before this change in perspective, I thought that this was normal. I thought it was just me. I thought that more was to be expected of me for some reason, and that I needed to give a ton just to receive a little. But man. I certainly should not have to starve for lack of love and acceptance in my little friendships. There HAD to be people out there like me. People who long for deep connections that inspire, strengthen, motivate, and enlighten BOTH parties.
I have a few friends like this. They are amazing and they know who they are. However, because I still had those "starving" friendships, I was wasting my time and energy. I began to really feel the effects of this. It was affecting these wonderful friendships I wanted to develop further with these absolute gems of people, and I wouldn't have been surprised if they no longer wanted to be good friends with me. I was a flaky contact, I wouldn't end up being "free" when I said I would be able to call, I would read and not reply to messages just because I was juggling so many other people's messages, and I was just drowning in all this pathetic drama of trying to satisfy my weaker relationships while vainly trying to maintain the better ones. But hey, you can guess what happened. The friends I wanted to be friends with, the friends who built me up and inspired and pushed me, were not getting what they deserved from me. The others were not happy friendships either. And I was so freaking done with this.
So. One of the hardest things for me is cutting people off. I dislike having to say "no" when I am asked a favor. I hate coming to a realization that a person is not good for me and that a "friendship" is actually bringing me down. I love love love people. Ahhhh. However, I've gotten the impression over the course of multiple temple trips and stellar Sunday School lessons and scripture study sessions that I need to choose my relationships and my friends more carefully. In order to set myself up for happiness and success in my life, I need to equip myself with people whom I love dearly who will also add to this overall goodness. You're probably thinking, "No duh. This is obviously the right thing! Why didn't you act upon this before you began to have problems??? Come on. What is this absurdity." That's what I was thinking. And I would be a fool not to act on an impression like this. This was a strong one.
My heart hurts because inside I've let some people go. I'm lightening up on my connections with them. It is hard to see them being angry and concerned and upset that I'm not answering as much or that I'm trying to be with other people. I don't like this at all, but I like what I'm working towards. Now, I have this problem that may be entirely unreasonable. I've met and found a handful of wonderful, incredible individuals that I want to become friends with. To me they have the potential to be "feeding" friendships and I am so excited. I am so excited to see these connections just waiting to be forged and I'm so ready to share my light and my ideas and myself with these people. And yet, here I am not doing anything about it. I am all of a sudden afraid of not being accepted by these people and of being "too late."
Let me tell you, it all sounds absolutely ridiculous now that I'm typing it out in words. Half my brain seems to be perfectly sensible and calm about this whole issue. It is hopeful and excited and ready to put my plans into actions and reach out to these people and become my best self. Boo yah. However, the other half is having some anxiety. Psssh. Why. Why must I have this bit of anxiety?? Am I afraid that I won't find the people I'm looking for? Am I afraid they won't like me? If I am, that's completely bogus, for if those people don't respond to my outreach attempts, I suppose they are not the friends I am looking for. So I'm good. Also, pure love casteth out all fear. If that is true, there should be no room for fear if a relationship is sound. Sure it takes work and communication and service and some comfort-zone-shredding, but it's all worth it to keep that fire burning. (Sidenote: I love love.) Why should I fear. It will prevent me from having faith, which I need a good supply of in order to act upon this impression and move forward.
So, I want to live a life of meaning. I want to live an abundant life. I want to change the world from where I'm standing and growing and living and I know I can. However, I now see that my habits must be changed in order to move myself in a direction of excellence. I've been researching and learning and speaking with different people in order to see how I can best go about my days and how I can live my everyday life to its fullest.
Among these things I have learned and am going to be putting into action are regular exercise, constant hydration, full night's sleep, early rising, planned media usage, strong and focused scripture study, journaling, outdoor adventuring, and dedicated study/practice. I try to drink water, but I always forget. I have exercised regularly on and off, doing really well sometimes while doing nothing at all other times. I form lousy justifications in my mind and replace my exercise time with other things (like studying for school, most always.) I love sleeping, but my normal bedtime is now midnight or later and I have to wake up at 6 every morning for classes. I have no natural energy whatsoever and it takes me a few hours before my brain is sharp. How great is that!? (It's not great at all. Yeah.) When I don't have class, my body will naturally sleep in until 10 or 11 due to sleep deprivation and teenagerliness combined. (What if those are actually the same thing?!?! Based upon what I read about the consequences and effects of sleep deprivation and based upon the general complaints we teenagers get about our conduct as a whole age group, it basically is.) On the subject of media, I can to create a system where I can check emails and reply to them and review social media without it constantly interrupting my brain's productivity. I think I can do it. I read my scriptures daily, but there is so much more I could be learning if I devoted just a little more time to it. I am looking forward to that, for the scriptures bless my life in more ways than I can number. Journaling seems to be a habit of successful people. As I have started recording my thoughts and experiences, I have been able to have the most amazing insights and have learned so much about myself. I've been such a patchy journal writer in the past, and I am ready to do better. The outdoors. I need more of it in my online-schooled life. I've created a marvelous plan (if I may say so myself) to get myself out there. Nature blesses and fills out our lives. It teaches you things you cannot learn in a classroom and it provides you with a setting where you can grow closer to God and become a better human being without distraction. I feel like time spent in the outdoors acts like an armor of sorts for me, something to motivate me and keep my spirit fresh when I'm faced with my everyday chaos. I want to live a more intentional and dedicated life. I want to give my 100% in every moment I am in.
Lastly, I have seen what an incredible asset my family is to me and what an important addition I am to my family. These guys have been picked out just for me in order to provide me with life, love, strength, and correction. The way I am with my family now is how I will be with my future family. Being a wife and mother is perhaps the most important part of my mission here on this earth. I feel like I've been selling my past, present, and future family short. I now feel a larger sense of responsibility for the well being of my parents and siblings, and it is so important to me that they feel of my love and appreciation for them. I am trying to show them every single day. It is on my mind so often now. This is different, but I can feel "the smile of God's approval" and it motivates me to keep going according to my commitments even when it gets tough.
I feel like I'm on the verge of something great. I feel like I'm going to start changing my life. I love having this feeling. But what feels better is the knowledge that you're acting according to the will of the Lord and the commitments and goals you've set. This is what I'm setting out to do this semester and I am so excited. Ahhh. Writing this was good for me. Ah, life. I love it so much. Thanks for reading.
