(I removed this post from my blog on August 28th of 2015. I'll put it back now.)
I have quite a lot of things to do today, so this will be quick. I just want to get this off my chest so that I can have a lighter heart today.
My heart kinda hurts. I've gotten over the most painful part, I think. I'm feeling at peace. However, that aching still lingers a bit.
A friend that I love has recently pulled away from me. And I've pulled away too. After I saw him start distancing himself, I felt like I had to start packing up and leaving the relationship. I didn't want to get hurt, so I was thinking, "Dude, I gotta save myself here." But I'm a normal girl who thought she loved him. So, I kept coming back and I kept reaching out even when my feelings would get crushed. It sucked.
But I don't know. I still cared about him so much. We had been friends for over a year and had gone through so much together. We clicked the moment we met and we bonded quickly afterward. Last year things started going bad, though. He was going through some difficult things. I wanted to be there for him. Sometimes he let me. But other times it would blow up on me and the brunt of that explosion would land on me.
It hurt. He can't do this to me ever again, I thought. But then he would apologize. And I forgave him every time. I still forgive him for everything. But it kept happening and happening. Sometimes it would be amazing. Sharing thoughts and ideas and and jokes and things. We had marvelous conversations. We complemented each other in some ways. But again and again the things he would do when he was upset or irritated would slice me up.
I felt like there was somehow something wrong with me. Why are his sharper comments and sarcasm and his natural communication habits hurting me so much? This is him. This is how he is, isn't it? Why can't I deal with it? I was giving and giving of myself and my emotions and my efforts and I wasn't getting anything sustainable back.
Yet I wasn't thinking about who I am. I was getting my feelings hurt, and that's okay. I need to be loyal to myself and accept that about myself regardless of how much I don't like it. I'm human. I'm certain not invincible, and I'm only cheating myself and others if I'm pretending to be so. I learned much about myself from him.
It's hard to admit that I need someone who is sensitive of me because I am a sensitive person. I expressed my hurt feelings so many times to him, but he may not have really understood them. It just made things worse.
He has unconsciously helped me learn about my weaknesses and my strengths as well as what I can bring to a relationship. I have learned to love and understand myself more. However, I just wanted to get over this broken-hearted business. I need to let this stuff go.
It feels like someone is yanking at my heart strings and wrenching and wringing my heart in their hands. It doesn't feel good. Maybe some of you know what I'm talking about.
So the "my heart kinda hurts" thing is that I blocked him this week. Some of my closest and dearest friends have told me to do this so many times over the course of this past year. I finally listened. I've never blocked anybody before, so this was huge for me. I'm feeling at peace with it, though.
I need some time to get away from those explosions. I certainly can't heal if I'm still getting cut on a regular basis. It's not about him. I hope he will understand that someday.
Here is the playlist I have created to soothe my soul and kinda get over this stuff and also just FEEL it all. Enjoy.
https://open.spotify.com/user/livens98/playlist/7LY9lPEBmCYl67EmaYtLob
I may end up going back and deleting this silly babble of a post. Who knows. Thanks for reading this craziness. You're wonderful. Have a lovely day. :)
