I feel like my life has only just begun.
It has, I suppose. I am only 16, a mere infant in comparison to this great earth. I am hardly half a grain of sand in the universe. There has been an inconceivable magnitude of time and space since it the beginning. But seeing as there is no beginning and no end, I am hardly more than a minuscule mite in the eternal round. Many say to me that because I am young or small, I should not push myself so hard. I should not think about the future too seriously. I should not attempt to take on the world so early.
Should I?
I should certainly think not. I've only just found myself. I've only just learned to think, to dream, and to live. My greatest regret is that I hadn't been able to do so sooner. I wish I had known what freedom tastes like and what joy pure creativity brings. Alas, I did not even know what I didn't know...
Every day seems like a new beginning for me now that I know and have learned these things. I can see that I am on a journey to gain knowledge as a part of the accomplishment of my divine mission here on earth. I feel I am constantly discovering phenomenons and experiencing wonders. However, a main watershed in this journey occurred only two years ago. I left public school.
Before third grade, life was carefree. I was my own person. That person was a tenacious, slightly rebellious, artistic, spirited, happy little girl who, as early as three years old, would stay up as late as she could reading book after book at night. She picked bouquets of weeds and made castles of sand. She spontaneously broke into song and danced like nobody watched. She naturally excelled in academics at her public school and was passionate about her simple life.
Then, she changed.
Everything changed for me in third grade. I had just moved to a new school, a new house, and a new state. I remember the very first day of my charter school so distinctly. I couldn't see, for I was unaware that I greatly needed glasses at the time. I couldn't speak, for I was terrified of saying the wrong thing. I couldn't think, for I wasn't sure if what I thought was the right thing to think at the right time to think it... They wanted me to think a certain way. I felt like I had to satisfy them, thus I jeopardized myself. That day, I changed. I stopped being myself. I thought that by doing this I protected myself. By conforming to their system, I was praised by teachers and envied by peers. I thought this was the right thing. I quickly learned to play the system at that charter school. I excelled in every class and received stellar grades. I knew just how to please every teacher and ace every assignment. I kept this up until I graduated from eighth grade. I was going nowhere.
I know there is no other explanation than that of divine inspiration that gave me the urge to leave school. I excelled in it. I would have excelled in their system throughout high school. Many asked why I didn't choose to do so. For a long time, I did not know. I do know one thing, however.
I did not know how to think.
I hadn't learned how to think, for I hadn't needed to. I wasn't aware of this, but my creativity had been snuffed out by the system. Learning was no longer a love of mine. Learning was rather a game of manipulation and strategy that I appeared to be winning on the outside.
There is much more to his story, for the mindless education did not stop there. I struggled to change for another year and a half. I tested into college directly from eighth grade, which consequently led to more constant stress and study. I attended five different schools over the course of that time. My grades were always perfect, but I was hit by other hardships that I had not recognized before. Life was a whirlwind.
Somehow, though, I began to see what was missing. Oh, was I ever wrong all those years. To think. To dream. To live. That is how you win the game. But it was not a game anymore, I realized. It is a journey. It is a lifelong quest for knowledge and light. I needed to finally begin that quest. I know now that I could not have done so while I was still in public school.
My life has just begun.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still trying to change. I'm still learning how to learn. I'm still trying to make up for all those years of lengthy rubrics and perfect A's and mindless exams. I'm still correcting my old habits. I'm still trying to find the right path for me to take. It is still incredibly hard for me to be myself.
But now, I can think. Now, I dream. Now, I see my life for what it truly is and for what it potentially can be. I'm getting to know myself. I'm trying to be my true self for the first time. I'm growing. I'm teaching. I'm loving. I'm trusting again. I'm finding real friends for the first time, ones who truly stand with me and truly love me. I'm getting to know God better. I'm learning of Christ. I'm following Him.
I love life again.
Once again, I've found the girl who is passionate about living. She finds magic in her drawings and her books. She makes time for dancing in torrential downpours and singing opera around the house at the top of her lungs. She achieves highly in her schoolwork and enjoys it. She laughs and cries without shame. She reads her scriptures and prays to her Heavenly Father morning and night. She loves others deeply. She loves herself. She loves God.
I am on a journey. I have a mission. I know my purpose.
Here I go.