A Thought On Mediocrity

Celebrating mediocrity stunts potential greatness. I think it is a shame that all too often, humans live and die without becoming masters of something. Few truly know excellence when they see it because very few have worked hard enough to experience it.

When I began taking lessons from a master pianist when I was 13 years old, my life was transformed. I was thrust into a world of high competition, masterful music, and expert performers. My teacher demanded hours of practice each day and was not satisfied unless I had exhausted my all to the instrument each week. Self-pity ensued on many an occasion and I failed countless times, yet I became ignited by something. Heavy practice was required, but gradually I began to see that I was producing bits of perfection. Through the hardship, I was progressing. I tasted excellence. Four years later I was winning competitions and receiving superior ratings in performances. I knew I could never again be content with mediocrity because I was now a witness of excellence.

Throughout my childhood I never received many harsh corrections or critique from teachers inside and outside of school, and I received many a participation ribbon regardless of my effort level or achievement. As I grew older, I was advised to become “well-rounded” and was constantly told not to “push myself too hard.” I believe these kinds of practices have resulted in a global culture where any kind of critical appraisal is considered inappropriate and excellence is rare. This foundational mindset is instilled in individuals during their youth, and by the time they are grown it has been buried courtesy of society by the incessant assurances that their incompetence is completely acceptable.

J.K. Rowling spoke with truth when she said, “It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.”

One simply cannot be “well-rounded” and become a master gymnast, violinist, artist, mathematician, etc. If what they were doing were easy, everyone would do it.

We are told we are “special,” yet this only enables children and adults to further indulge in self-entitlement. Because mediocrity is treated in such a way, people are content in believing that their work is perfectly adequate, and they make no further efforts to progress. In reality, their ability to recognize weakness is impaired.

I certainly do not mean to suggest that we all be heartlessly frank with our fellows. However, it is rather difficult to set a high standard of achievement for anyone if critique is withheld out of fear for impropriety. I believe there must be a greater distinction between what is mediocrity and what is excellence; otherwise, greatness will cease to exist.

Boo yah let's not lose 500 bucks

Tomorrow I start living the strictest schedule I've ever made. I'm full of both dread and excitement. To prove how serious I am about keeping my commitments this week, I've selected a mentor and have given them $500. To put in perspective what that means to me, the following $500 equivalencies have been listed: two piano competitions worth of prize money, an Elevation session, a Weston A. Price conference ticket, 5 weeks of New Century Conservatory piano lessons, plane tickets to see my friends, my total college application and audition fees, that Disneyland trip my brother and I have loosely planned, Creative Cloud for nearly a year, and the Washington D.C. MCO tour.

I certainly don't want to lose these 500 bucks to my wonderful mentor because of how freakin epic these things are and how much I want to have them, thus I have committed to practice the piano for a minimum of 3 hours a day. That is the bare minimum. I should be putting in more. On Wednesday and Thursday I'm doing 4. This week I must completely perfect my Liszt Hungarian Rhapsody and have it ready to record for college auditions by Friday morning at my piano lesson. I have committed to my mother to put in an average of an hour per day of housework. After this move, our house is still in dire need of unpacking and organizing and sorting. Also, it is more than halfway through the semester and I have barely scratched the surface of two self-paced courses I have registered for. I desperately need to get caught up in these.

If I do not meet my goals of practicing at least 3 hours of piano per day, putting in an average of 1 hour in housework each day, and getting caught up in my self-paced classes this week, I will lose $500 bucks AND I will feel utterly pathetic.

BUT HAVE NO FEAR, for I am going to do this.

However, I can only do this if I stick to my schedule with exactness. I must go to bed before 9 each night and wake up before 5 each morning. I have factored in my personal scripture study, family scripture study, daily meditation, journaling, daily exercise, family history work, a temple trip with a friend, and a few Veterans Day programs with friends and family. Behold, my fuel for the week. I don't want to miss these things. It will throw off my life, and I CANNOT AFFORD TO THROW OFF MY LIFE THIS WEEK SO let's not stay up late and let's get spiritually and physically and mentally energized. I will need it if I'm going to have the stamina to study and practice this much.

I'm so ready for this. I'm confident I can and will do it with the help of the Lord. I can't wait to hear what my Liszt is going to sound like at the end of the week. I am so excited to see what I can do.

Alright. I'm going to bed. I love you all.

An Analogy

A Sunday school teacher of mine taught me something profound a couple months ago. It helped me understand the ordinances of the gospel in a way I will never forget.

He told me a story of how he and his missionary companion washed their clothes by hand while on their mission in a certain third world country. He was a fairly "fresh" and enthusiastic missionary who was eager to learn and begin teaching the gospel he cherished to the people he was growing to dearly love. 

Part of life here was doing their laundry by hand each day. His companion, who had already been in the mission field for the better part of a year, was well-seasoned when it came to this practice and took it upon himself to show his new companion how to do it. He briefly explained the process to him and they proceeded to do their laundry. My teacher was quite excited about this new practice and was thinking something along the lines of, "Aw yeah. Washing my clothes in a bucket in a jungle by hand. This is so awesome. I'm on a mission.." He filled a bucket with river water, grabbed the soap, and got to work. 

Now, these missionaries had to wear white dress shirts, dress pants, and ties every single day despite the very hot climate. Dust and dirt would get kicked up as they walked and rode and worked. As a result, their clothes would become quite the brown sweaty mess at the end of the days and required a thorough scrub in order for them to become wearable again. A gentle rinse of soapy water was not enough to clean those bad boys. This elder was thus determined to scrub his white shirts until they were perfectly clean. I imagine he felt driven to be the best he could in serving this mission, and to him this included the condition of the clothes he was going to wear. 

Anyways, he put that soap to good use and scrubbed those shirts in his bucket until they were no longer encrusted in sweat and mud. He then hung them up next to his companion's shirts on their clothesline to dry and stood back to admire them. Again he's thinking, "Boo yah. Just washed my clothes by hand. I'm so cool. The gospel is true." Feeling great about his accomplishments, he and his companion proceeded to go to work elsewhere while they waited for their laundry to dry. 

Upon returning to the clothesline, he was met with confusion. He went to feel his companion's shirts. The fabric was smooth and wonderfully soft and clean. Yet when he went to feel his own shirts, they were hard and crispy. They were utterly unwearable. He probably thought, "What on earth is this nonsense!?? I have 'toiled with my might' and 'labored long' and I scrubbed my shirts of all their 'impurities' until they were perfectly clean and white again and I do not understand what this crustiness means. What could I have possibly done wrong?" 

I imagine his companion came over and pulled his friend's crispy shirts down from the line, chuckled to himself, and with a knowing smile said, "Hey man, you forgot to rinse the soap out of them." And thus we see, our elder was so caught up in the scrubbing he had completely forgotten to rinse out all the soap suds and the remaining grime from his shirts. The soap dried and resulted in crunchy shirts that could not be worn and needed to be re-washed. Both scrubbing with soap and rinsing with clean water were crucial in doing their laundry the right way and in having fresh, clean dress shirts to wear each day.

This story of hand-washed laundry is an analogy for the ordinances of baptism and the sacrament alongside our endeavors to repent. 

The "scrubbing" is like unto the repentance process. It is forsaking your sins and turning to the Savior for forgiveness with humility and sincerity. "Thou shalt offer a sacrifice unto the Lord thy God in righteousness, even that of a broken heart and a contrite spirit." (D&C 59:8) The Lord declared to us that "no unclean thing can inherit the kingdom of heaven." (Alma 11:37) Our sins are what make us unclean. They are the "spots" the world can leave on us as we go about our lives here on earth. It can take a long while, it may even be painful, and it may take a sacrifice for you to do properly, but if you repent you WILL eventually find peace. "Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow." (Isaiah 1:18) 

Robert D. Hales taught, "For the sacrament to be a spiritually cleansing experience each week, we need to prepare ourselves before coming to sacrament meeting." (Coming to Ourselves: The Sacrament, the Temple, and Sacrifice in Service) Just like you need scrubbing and rinsing to fully cleanse a missionary's dirty mess of a dress shirt, you need both repentance and baptism in order to become fully clean. Every Sabbath Day we can have the privilege and opportunity to take the sacrament. 

In bearing his testimony of the sacrament, Elder Dallin H. Oaks said some remarkable truths that I would like to share.

We are commanded to repent of our sins and to come to the Lord, with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, and partake of the sacrament. In partaking of the bread, we witness that we are willing to take upon us the name of Jesus Christ and always remember Him and keep His commandments. When we comply with this covenant, the Lord renews the cleansing effect of our baptism. We are made clean and can always have his spirit to be with us. 

The administration of the sacrament, and the renewal of covenants, and cleansing that takes place in the partaking of the sacrament are the most important acts in the Sabbath worship of Latter-day Saints. We do this in remembrance of the blood of the Only Begotten son, Jesus Christ. He is at the center of our faith. He is our Savior and Redeemer. (Special Witness - Elder Oaks; emphasis added)

The "rinsing" is like unto baptism. The very act of being baptized by immersion is symbolic of having your sins washed away. We have the opportunity to remember and renew the covenants we made at baptism and "rinse" ourselves when we participate in our sacrament meetings. "And that thou mayest more fully keep thyself unspotted from the world, thou shalt go to the house of prayer and offer up thy sacraments upon my holy day." (D&C 59:9) We take upon us the name of Christ, and we promise to keep his commandments and always remember Him. "It is a glorious thing to be a Christian and to live as a true disciple of Christ. Of us He said, 'They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.' To keep ourselves unspotted from the world, He expects us to avoid such worldly distractions ... on the Sabbath day." (L. Tom Perry, The Sabbath and the Sacrament)

During my teacher's mission some of the most memorable and meaningful things he experienced were his conversations with the people who wanted to be become members of this church. These individuals must have loved the Savior and were so thankful to these missionaries, and they had felt the Spirit of the Lord as they were taught this gospel. Yet when it came time for them to finally take that step to be baptized, they wondered, "Why do I need baptism if I have already repented of my sins?"

On the other hand, there were those who were newly baptized to the church and who were gradually learning more and more about the gospel of Christ. However, they still were unsure of why they needed to have "a broken heart and a contrite spirit" and repent. They asked, "Why do I need repentance if I have already been baptized?"

He provided them with the best answers he and his companion could give and then placed it into the Lord's hands as to whether or not they would join the church or learn the truth. Now, however, my teacher is certain of the answer to these questions. It is because of what is taught in the "scrubbing" and "rinsing" in this analogy that both baptism and repentance are needed. There is a reason we are asked to prepare for the sacrament. There is a divine, inspired, beautiful reason for baptism and for repentance being the way they are. It is ultimately to return to live with Him, for He is at the center of our entire faith.

I would like to share yet another wonderful quote from Elder Dallin H. Oaks. 

How can we have the Spirit of the Lord to guide our choices so that we will remain "unspotted from the world" (D&C 59:9) and on the safe path through mortality? We need to qualify for the cleansing power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. We do this by keeping His commandment to come to Him with a broken heart and a contrite spirit and in that wonderful weekly meeting partake of the emblems of the sacrament and make the covenants that qualify us for the precious promise that we will always have His Spirit to be with us (see D&C 20:77). (Sacrament Meeting and the Sacrament; emphasis added)

What a beautiful promise we have been given. To have His Spirit, the Holy Ghost, a member of the Godhead, to be with us always. Through Christ we can be made whole and clean again. We can stay "unspotted from the world" "at all times and in all things, and in all places that (we) may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that (we) may have eternal life." (Mosiah 18:9) Now that, my friends, is incredible. 

Now, I am sure I am not alone in this. Upon looking back, I have found myself "scrubbing" in sacrament meeting. That should be the time to remember Him and remember the covenants I made during the ordinance of baptism. This is the most important part of the Sabbath Day, the Lord's day. That is supposed to be set aside for my "rinsing." In the busyness of the week I may have looked forward to that Sunday's sacrament meeting, but I never intentionally prepared my mind and heart with the knowledge of the specific roles of the sacred ordinance I was going to participate in and the importance of the covenants I was renewing. Since I have begun preparing for the sacrament through repentance, my life has been greatly blessed.

I now know of the divinely intentional structure of the ordinances of this gospel. I know that repentance through Christ is the way to happiness. I know that He brings us peace. I know that the sacrament through the administration of His holy priesthood is of God, that it brings us closer to Christ, and that it gives us a way to "remain unspotted from the world" and make us clean. I know that the fulness of the gospel is on the earth today and that the sacrament and baptism and other temple ordinances are proof of it. I know the Gospel is true. 

Thank you for reading with me. Happy Sunday. :) 

Soul Weaving

My life is but a weaving

Between my Lord and me;

I cannot choose the colors

He worketh steadily.

Ofttimes He weaveth sorrow

And I in foolish pride,

Forget that He seeth the upper,

And I the under side.

Not till the loom is silent

And the shuttles cease to fly,

Shall God unroll the canvas

And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful

In the Weaver’s skillful hand,

As the threads of gold and silver

In the pattern He has planned.

- Anonymous

Breathtaking Views: Friends (Elevation)

My Heart Kinda Hurts

(I removed this post from my blog on August 28th of 2015. I'll put it back now.)

I have quite a lot of things to do today, so this will be quick. I just want to get this off my chest so that I can have a lighter heart today.

My heart kinda hurts. I've gotten over the most painful part, I think. I'm feeling at peace. However, that aching still lingers a bit.

A friend that I love has recently pulled away from me. And I've pulled away too. After I saw him start distancing himself, I felt like I had to start packing up and leaving the relationship. I didn't want to get hurt, so I was thinking, "Dude, I gotta save myself here." But I'm a normal girl who thought she loved him. So, I kept coming back and I kept reaching out even when my feelings would get crushed. It sucked.

But I don't know. I still cared about him so much. We had been friends for over a year and had gone through so much together. We clicked the moment we met and we bonded quickly afterward. Last year things started going bad, though. He was going through some difficult things. I wanted to be there for him. Sometimes he let me. But other times it would blow up on me and the brunt of that explosion would land on me.

It hurt. He can't do this to me ever again, I thought. But then he would apologize. And I forgave him every time. I still forgive him for everything. But it kept happening and happening. Sometimes it would be amazing. Sharing thoughts and ideas and and jokes and things. We had marvelous conversations. We complemented each other in some ways. But again and again the things he would do when he was upset or irritated would slice me up.

I felt like there was somehow something wrong with me. Why are his sharper comments and sarcasm and his natural communication habits hurting me so much? This is him. This is how he is, isn't it? Why can't I deal with it? I was giving and giving of myself and my emotions and my efforts and I wasn't getting anything sustainable back.

Yet I wasn't thinking about who I am. I was getting my feelings hurt, and that's okay. I need to be loyal to myself and accept that about myself regardless of how much I don't like it. I'm human. I'm certain not invincible, and I'm only cheating myself and others if I'm pretending to be so. I learned much about myself from him.

It's hard to admit that I need someone who is sensitive of me because I am a sensitive person. I expressed my hurt feelings so many times to him, but he may not have really understood them. It just made things worse.

He has unconsciously helped me learn about my weaknesses and my strengths as well as what I can bring to a relationship. I have learned to love and understand myself more. However, I just wanted to get over this broken-hearted business. I need to let this stuff go.

It feels like someone is yanking at my heart strings and wrenching and wringing my heart in their hands. It doesn't feel good. Maybe some of you know what I'm talking about.

So the "my heart kinda hurts" thing is that I blocked him this week. Some of my closest and dearest friends have told me to do this so many times over the course of this past year. I finally listened. I've never blocked anybody before, so this was huge for me. I'm feeling at peace with it, though.

I need some time to get away from those explosions. I certainly can't heal if I'm still getting cut on a regular basis. It's not about him. I hope he will understand that someday.

Here is the playlist I have created to soothe my soul and kinda get over this stuff and also just FEEL it all. Enjoy.

https://open.spotify.com/user/livens98/playlist/7LY9lPEBmCYl67EmaYtLob

I may end up going back and deleting this silly babble of a post. Who knows. Thanks for reading this craziness. You're wonderful. Have a lovely day. :)

I "Cannot Speak With Full Articulateness"

I read this marvelous speech by Neal A. Maxwell in my personal scripture study this morning. It was given in 1974 at Brigham Young University and is titled But for a Small Moment. Among the things he teaches is a list of eight "traps" that we may fall into as we try to overcome our life's challenges. One of them spoke to me quite powerfully. It reads:

"A sixth trap into which we can fall quite easily, brothers and sisters, is the trap in which we sense that something special is happening in our lives but are not able to sort it out with sufficient precision and clarity that we can articulate it to someone else. That is so often true of the gospel. Its truths are too powerful for us to manage on occasion. Let me give you this simple illustration of how we can know something and yet not be able to communicate it fully without the help of the Spirit. If I were to bring one of you into this hall and if, instead of all of you, it were filled with fifteen thousand mothers and if I were to say to you, “Somewhere in that audience is your mother; find her,” you could do it, and I suspect it wouldn’t take you very many minutes. But if I said to you, “Wait outside. There are fifteen thousand mothers in there and one of them is your mother. Now, you describe her to me with sufficient precision and clarity so that I can go find her,” you couldn’t do it. You would still know what she looked like, but tongue could not transmit what you knew. It is that way often with the gospel. That is why we are so in need of the Spirit–so that knowledge can arc like electricity from point to point, aided and impelled by the Spirit—aid without which we are simply not articulate enough to speak of all the things which we know.

"It would be interesting, for instance, if I were to ask one of you to describe to the satisfaction of all here the color yellow. Yellow, of course, is a primary color, but it would be difficult for you to describe it to us without comparing it with other colors. Yet you have no difficulty recognizing yellow when you see it. We know more than we can tell! Sometimes the things we know take the form of knowledge about what is happening to us in life in which we sense purpose, in which we sense divine design, but which we cannot speak about with full articulateness. There are simply moments of mute comprehension and of mute certitude. We need to pay attention when these moments come to us, because God often gives us the assurances we need but not necessarily the capacity to transmit these assurances to anyone else."

I often feel this way, but I have never before thought that it would be considered a trap that keeps me from defeating my problems. I have expressed in previous blog posts and journal entries as well as in conversations with my close friends and family that I feel like I am on the verge of something different. My life is good and great now, but this "something" is greater. In my mind, it's like I am climbing up a steep forested hill in early morning. Light is all around me, but it is diffused by the trees. It is beautiful and peaceful, but my view of the sun is still partially blocked and I'm still trudging uphill. However, I can sense that there is a cliff up ahead and that there is a magnificent view of a massive valley awaiting me. I don't exactly know what it's going to look like, but I want to get to the top and break through the trees and finally see the sun clearly and see that breathtaking view because in my mind, it's going to be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Yet for some reason I cannot explain at all, I'm just walking and walking. The trees might be gradually thinning, but I don't know why I cannot simply walk faster and get there. It's certainly not far away. 


My life right now feels so strange. I know God is trying to guide me and perhaps tell me something, and things seem good and wonderful. But there is just something that I am not able to describe. I wonder to myself what is happening exactly? It makes me kinda frustrated that I cannot find an adequate definition or diagnosis of this situation. This was me: 

"Bleehh. I don't even knowww. Ahhhh I'm trying to get it but my mouth and brain are not helping me do it. Guys, I can't find it but I want to and I feel like I can because it's RIGHT THERE. Argh. So fun. This post probably doesn't even make the least bit of sense, soooo.... What the heck am I supposed to do about all this? It's awesome but it hurts my head and makes me feel weird."

Well, you and I have learned something today, and this new insight I've received changes my feelings somewhat. "Sometimes the things we know take the form of knowledge about what is happening to us in life in which we sense purpose, in which we sense divine design, but which we cannot speak about with full articulateness." It is natural that "there are simply moments of mute comprehension and of mute certitude." I know there is a purpose to this period of my life, and I can feel the goodness in it. I know it is through the hand of God that each bit of my life is orchestrated. He is mindful of me, and it is okay that I don't know how to talk about it now so long as I remember Him. It is quite a relief to know that someone else knows how you are feeling. I imagine this is the case for many. I am certainly not the only one who goes through something, especially if an apostle of the Lord chose to address an audience of thousands and eventually millions and billions with this guidance. Also, let us never forget our greatest empath and friend. Christ knows our thoughts and struggles on such an acute and personal level because of his Atonement. It really astounds me.

"We need to pay attention when these moments come to us, because God often gives us the assurances we need but not necessarily the capacity to transmit these assurances to anyone else." Whatever form the challenge or test is in, I must be willing to pass it. Somehow I must reach breaking points without breaking. I must be willing to lose my life, not because I have an irreverence of disdain for the struggles that come with it and not even because I love living, but because I am the servant of the one who did just so for me, in the most infinite and selfless way possible. He gave his life for all of us, and with Him we all can have the fullness of joy together. "That is why we are so in need of the Spirit–so that knowledge can arc like electricity from point to point, aided and impelled by the Spirit—aid without which we are simply not articulate enough to speak of all the things which we know." May we commit to this today and every day. I'm gonna keep on walking up that hill. I hope you'll walk with me. 

Thanks for reading. 

Love,

Liv

Ethereal Music: Sunday Playlist

My heart feels full of music today. These hymns are especially speaking to me. I hope you feel something as you listen to these marvelous arrangements of some of my favorite songs. Think about the words you hear. Have a beautiful Sunday, my friends.

"While I live will I praise the Lord: I will sing praises unto my God while I have any being." Psalm 146:2

"... Be filled with the Spirit; speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord;" Ephesians 5:18-19

"Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord." Colossians 3:16

Be Still and Know

"If the Lord had something to tell you, and I testify that He does, when would he have the time to be able to do it?"

This really struck me when I heard it this past Sunday.

I know God has much to tell me. I talk to my friends and family all the time. I make time every single day for those people who are meaningful for me. But what time do we take in order to have those meaningful conversations with our Heavenly Father? If I knew that an omnipotent, all-knowing and all-powerful being wanted to tell me something, I would be making time available as fast as I possibly could. He gives instruction and guidance through many sources: scriptures and great works of literature, thoughts and impressions, prophets and revelation, friends and family, etc. But what if He needed to give me a more sacred answer. A certain something that could only be found if I was still. I would need to show that I was ready to receive an answer by clearing out time to devote to "remembering Him." I need to have dedicated pondering, meditation, and prayer.

"Be still, and know that I am God:
I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth." 
Psalms 46:10

"Therefore, let your hearts be comforted concerning Zion; for all flesh is in mine hands; 
Be still and know that I am God." 
Doctrine and Covenants 101:16

Making these places and times of peace and pondering amid the flow of distraction in our lives is crucially important to our spiritual well being. Now, I had heard this said many, many times. I love those scriptures as well. The phrase "Be still, and know that I am God" is really quite stirring. But I didn't truly understand the significance of finding this "still" time in my own life until recently.

Where I go to be still does not matter so long as I can feel peace and feel the Spirit of the Lord. Being outdoors has been incredible for this. Going for a simple walk in nature by myself allows me to clear my mind and really refresh myself. I said in a previous post, "Nature blesses and fills out our lives. It teaches you things you cannot learn in a classroom and it provides you with a setting where you can grow closer to God and become a better human being without distraction. I feel like time spent in the outdoors acts like an armor of sorts for me, something to motivate me and keep my spirit fresh when I'm faced with my everyday chaos." Going to the temple gives me this peace. When I'm inside the House of the Lord I am able to keep my thoughts free of stress and worry. I can really get in tune with myself and with the Lord. It's a really beautiful thing. If I cannot leave my home, however, I go to my room. So long as I keep it organized and clean, I can feel the Spirit strongly there. 

Throughout time, prophets and disciples of Christ have implemented these things in their lives, and we have the records to show us.

"... As I sat pondering in mine heart I was caught away in the Spirit of the Lord..." (1 Nephi 11:1)

"... Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart." (Luke 2:19)

"And while we meditated upon these things, the Lord touched the eyes of our understandings and they were opened..." (Doctrine and Covenants 76:19)

"And it came to pass, that, while they communed together and reasoned, Jesus himself drew near, and went with them." (Luke 24:15)

"And Jesus went up into a mountain, and there he sat with his disciples." (John 6:3)

"Therefore, go ye into your homes, and ponder upon the things which I have said, and ask of the Father, in my name, that ye understand, and prepare your minds for the morrow..." (3 Nephi 17:3)

"... Nephi went his way towards his own house, pondering upon the things which the Lord had shown him." (Helaman 10:2)

"... I sat in my room pondering over the scriptures..." (Doctrine and Covenants 138:1)

"And on the sabbath we went out of the city by a river side, where prayer was wont to be made; and we sat down..." (Acts 16:13)

I imagine the Savior himself going out of the cities and going "up into a mountain" or "by a river side" as he communicated and communed with his Heavenly Father every day and night. I am going to set aside more of my own dedicated time to "be still and know" of my God and my Savior's love for me and of the things he wishes to tell me. I know that as I do this, I will become closer to Him.

A Life Rambling at the Start of the Semester

This post is going to be a ramble. I'm experimenting here to see if I can get all my thoughts out somehow, so I'm neither going to delete anything nor go back and reword anything. Just for fun.

Anyways. Life. Life is proving to be a crazy adventure. It has always been pretty busy and full and fast-moving, but right now it is different and I am trying to pinpoint what it is exactly. The more I know, the more I realize I don't know. The more I see, the more I want to see. The more people I forge connections with, the more I want to make better and deeper relationships with greater individuals, ones who "feed" me in the friendship.

I have traveled many places and have had the privilege of having some pretty world-rocking experiences this summer, and it has changed my outlook on my life. I see so much more clearly, which is good. But I now see what isn't good. Here are some of the things I see.

My friends. I always talk about "my friends" and how wonderful they are. They are wonderful. But when I began going through some tough and trying things this year, I kinda found that my bucket of "my friends" was not as full as I thought. I have many, many acquaintances. I love human connection. I love people so much. When I meet new individuals, my heart just gushes with a warm excitement and love. I try to share that with the people I know, and it attracts good people. However, these are only split-second friendships. Perhaps we've helped each other in the moment and perhaps I've been able to touch them in a way, but I usually haven't been affected as deeply. I feel like I am doing all the feeding in some of my relationships. Both sides aren't working, and after a while, after all my emotional efforts are exhausted, I end up starving and hungering for friends who can "feed" me too. Before this change in perspective, I thought that this was normal. I thought it was just me. I thought that more was to be expected of me for some reason, and that I needed to give a ton just to receive a little. But man. I certainly should not have to starve for lack of love and acceptance in my little friendships. There HAD to be people out there like me. People who long for deep connections that inspire, strengthen, motivate, and enlighten BOTH parties.

I have a few friends like this. They are amazing and they know who they are. However, because I still had those "starving" friendships, I was wasting my time and energy. I began to really feel the effects of this. It was affecting these wonderful friendships I wanted to develop further with these absolute  gems of people, and I wouldn't have been surprised if they no longer wanted to be good friends with me. I was a flaky contact, I wouldn't end up being "free" when I said I would be able to call, I would read and not reply to messages just because I was juggling so many other people's messages, and I was just drowning in all this pathetic drama of trying to satisfy my weaker relationships while vainly trying to maintain the better ones. But hey, you can guess what happened. The friends I wanted to be friends with, the friends who built me up and inspired and pushed me, were not getting what they deserved from me. The others were not happy friendships either. And I was so freaking done with this.

So. One of the hardest things for me is cutting people off. I dislike having to say "no" when I am asked a favor. I hate coming to a realization that a person is not good for me and that a "friendship" is actually bringing me down. I love love love people. Ahhhh. However, I've gotten the impression over the course of multiple temple trips and stellar Sunday School lessons and scripture study sessions that I need to choose my relationships and my friends more carefully. In order to set myself up for happiness and success in my life, I need to equip myself with people whom I love dearly who will also add to this overall goodness. You're probably thinking, "No duh. This is obviously the right thing! Why didn't you act upon this before you began to have problems??? Come on. What is this absurdity." That's what I was thinking. And I would be a fool not to act on an impression like this. This was a strong one.

My heart hurts because inside I've let some people go. I'm lightening up on my connections with them. It is hard to see them being angry and concerned and upset that I'm not answering as much or that I'm trying to be with other people. I don't like this at all, but I like what I'm working towards. Now, I have this problem that may be entirely unreasonable. I've met and found a handful of wonderful, incredible individuals that I want to become friends with. To me they have the potential to be "feeding" friendships and I am so excited. I am so excited to see these connections just waiting to be forged and I'm so ready to share my light and my ideas and myself with these people. And yet, here I am not doing anything about it. I am all of a sudden afraid of not being accepted by these people and of being "too late."

Let me tell you, it all sounds absolutely ridiculous now that I'm typing it out in words. Half my brain seems to be perfectly sensible and calm about this whole issue. It is hopeful and excited and ready to put my plans into actions and reach out to these people and become my best self. Boo yah. However, the other half is having some anxiety. Psssh. Why. Why must I have this bit of anxiety?? Am I afraid that I won't find the people I'm looking for? Am I afraid they won't like me? If I am, that's completely bogus, for if those people don't respond to my outreach attempts, I suppose they are not the friends I am looking for. So I'm good. Also, pure love casteth out all fear. If that is true, there should be no room for fear if a relationship is sound. Sure it takes work and communication and service and some comfort-zone-shredding, but it's all worth it to keep that fire burning. (Sidenote: I love love.) Why should I fear. It will prevent me from having faith, which I need a good supply of in order to act upon this impression and move forward.

So, I want to live a life of meaning. I want to live an abundant life. I want to change the world from where I'm standing and growing and living and I know I can. However, I now see that my habits must be changed in order to move myself in a direction of excellence. I've been researching and learning and speaking with different people in order to see how I can best go about my days and how I can live my everyday life to its fullest.

Among these things I have learned and am going to be putting into action are regular exercise, constant hydration, full night's sleep, early rising, planned media usage, strong and focused scripture study, journaling, outdoor adventuring, and dedicated study/practice. I try to drink water, but I always forget. I have exercised regularly on and off, doing really well sometimes while doing nothing at all other times. I form lousy justifications in my mind and replace my exercise time with other things (like studying for school, most always.) I love sleeping, but my normal bedtime is now midnight or later and I have to wake up at 6 every morning for classes. I have no natural energy whatsoever and it takes me a few hours before my brain is sharp. How great is that!? (It's not great at all. Yeah.) When I don't have class, my body will naturally sleep in until 10 or 11 due to sleep deprivation and teenagerliness combined. (What if those are actually the same thing?!?! Based upon what I read about the consequences and effects of sleep deprivation and based upon the general complaints we teenagers get about our conduct as a whole age group, it basically is.) On the subject of media, I can to create a system where I can check emails and reply to them and review social media without it constantly interrupting my brain's productivity. I think I can do it. I read my scriptures daily, but there is so much more I could be learning if I devoted just a little more time to it. I am looking forward to that, for the scriptures bless my life in more ways than I can number. Journaling seems to be a habit of successful people. As I have started recording my thoughts and experiences, I have been able to have the most amazing insights and have learned so much about myself. I've been such a patchy journal writer in the past, and I am ready to do better. The outdoors. I need more of it in my online-schooled life. I've created a marvelous plan (if I may say so myself) to get myself out there. Nature blesses and fills out our lives. It teaches you things you cannot learn in a classroom and it provides you with a setting where you can grow closer to God and become a better human being without distraction. I feel like time spent in the outdoors acts like an armor of sorts for me, something to motivate me and keep my spirit fresh when I'm faced with my everyday chaos. I want to live a more intentional and dedicated life. I want to give my 100% in every moment I am in.

Lastly, I have seen what an incredible asset my family is to me and what an important addition I am to my family. These guys have been picked out just for me in order to provide me with life, love, strength, and correction. The way I am with my family now is how I will be with my future family. Being a wife and mother is perhaps the most important part of my mission here on this earth. I feel like I've been selling my past, present, and future family short. I now feel a larger sense of responsibility for the well being of my parents and siblings, and it is so important to me that they feel of my love and appreciation for them. I am trying to show them every single day. It is on my mind so often now. This is different, but I can feel "the smile of God's approval" and it motivates me to keep going according to my commitments even when it gets tough.

I feel like I'm on the verge of something great. I feel like I'm going to start changing my life. I love having this feeling. But what feels better is the knowledge that you're acting according to the will of the Lord and the commitments and goals you've set. This is what I'm setting out to do this semester and I am so excited. Ahhh. Writing this was good for me. Ah, life. I love it so much. Thanks for reading.